So Sometimes I Have a Heart

But only sometimes...

You may remember my prizes from last mothers day. As bad as I can be, I did wear them with pride...and nice big sunglasses.

As we approach another dreaded mothers day, I am wondering what my gifts will be this year. Why am I wondering you ask? My middle daughter has taken a liking to ... um.. decorating my house in what can only be called, psycho modern craft art. Really, I am pretty sure that many a parent can say that this is a true genre of art. (At least in the galleries hiding in the back of our closets.)

I want to encourage my kids to be creative...I mean I think that is one of my jobs as a parent right? I think I signed that paper. So I would hate to squash their individuality or their creativity, or their...crazy ass art projects...

But, now I have this hanging in my bathroom where a pretty plant used to be...

Wait 'cause you can't appreciate its true unique beauty until you get the close up

So, now I am just asking how I can politely get this down before I forget that it is there????

oh, and dads, I don't want to hear another complaint about the damn ties....

uh yeah I did

Yup I just wasted an entire blogging time, writing about pirate talk and reading it...this is why I need the 12 steps....

ARRRRRRRG MATEYS

OK so this is just really funny. I know that some of you know that I am attending Face Book Anonymous. It has been really hard...but yes I have limited myself to just a few minutes a day, and the 12 steps are helping...

BUT today I read a post from a high school friend who, oddly enough, has the same quirky sense of humor that I do. (Yeah, I know, weird that there is more than one of us...come to think of it, I think that all my friends and I shared the same warped sense of humor...perhaps that is why there were no Dunkin Donut coffee filters safe in our presence... This is a long unfortunate story of the nerdness of my life that we used to scoff the D&D filters and wear them on our heads…)

At any rate, on Face Book (focus, Pie, FOCUS) she told me to scroll to the bottom of the page where is says English and press on it. A whole host of languages come up including one that says English (pirate).**

Yeah…it is true…it will change all your Face Book settings to Pirate jargon.

Now why my daughter and I sat and stared giggling for 30 minutes is a whole other issue, and most likely another 12 step program…but none the less it is very entertaining.

So you maytes go to the home port and read your bottle o’ messages, and may it be pleasin’ to the eye!

**I can tell you right now that my friend Jen is doing this as we speak…because she is my soul mate of nerdom and just wrong humor.

Apple Blossoms Coming

This isn't much of a post, but I am going to sit down with a glass of much deserved wine. I was planning on posting my scenes from the trellises...but that will have to wait until tomorrow...alas...I know, what am I doing with all my free time?


If I get motivated I may post after a bit, but I need to have me a little sit and sip down. (It could make for a more entertaining post after a glass of wine.) But since Henry tonight tried to take his diaper off to go Poop in the potty (yeah him) and ended up smearing it all over the bathroom and himself (trying to put his diaper back on)...which ended up with me hosing down the entire place, him and myself...uh, I am thinking a little red wine is OK.


So here is my favorite sign of spring...(on this flippin' 80 some odd degree day!) My apple trees are starting to burst...with buds that is! Ain't they purdy?



Happy Spring to you all, and to all a poopless night.

The Hand From Hell

So here is the deal...I have this allergy thing to Black Flies...yeah I know...I am a total wizard to choose Maine to live in...the very place that the Black Fly ties the Mosquito for the state bird.


Every April when I start getting the garden ready I get bit by one of those demonic blood suckers. I must be a sadist though because I still go out, and always forget to put on bug spray...(Its for wusses a lesson from my father) SO...here is the result this year...and mind you, this picture was taken on Day 2...after many healthy doses of Benedril and Advil.

Just for reference, this is the size of my normal hand...not pretty either, but...well...I am sure you see the difference.

I had to work at the library last night, and I tried hiding it, but it was not easy to hide a hand that was the size of a baseball glove while I was stamping their books. I had a few concerned looks from concerned patrons who were probably worried about the swine flu. They were a little tentative taking the books from me after my infected elephantitis hand touched them...but hey, I am sure they have antibacterial in their purses...they will be fine!

The Third Claim of Being "Back"

I have totally stunk at posting lately, I don't know what my problem is...I think I am having some brain issues...my husband is smirking, I can see him with my "back-of-head eyes" And he ought to be careful because I will smack him with my "front-of-body angry hand"!

It isn't that I haven't had things to blog about, oh you have to know that with Henry, and the girls, I have had no lack of material...

I have gone to my sons "circus" to find that lo and behold, the boy likes to take center stage, even if it means sneaking out during every "act" and waving, or shoving someone out of the way to get center stage. Let’s just say that I had tears streaming down my face by all the times that he got the hook! It was something similar to the Muppet Show and Gonzo. I was worried the other moms would be upset, but it seems that Henry has a nack for making people laugh...while I crawl under my seat...

He has started using the potty for something other than peeing and his personal recording studio...which is just OH SO exciting...but those of you who may have followed me for awhile, may know my hate-hate relationship with my sons bowels and underwear...

I have started my garden, getting in peas, lettuce, radishes, beets, onions, swiss chard, potatoes, carrots...and started indoors some other things. We will just see how it goes, as you may or may not know, I am the most pessimistic planter of all time. I plant seeds knowing that they will never grow or produce anything, and when they haven't sprouted in the 2 hours that I allotted for them I throw myself into a tizzy of despair...only to find that at the end of the summer I have a bounty that I have to can, freeze and eat until I am ready to explode...let me tell you, it is an exhausting process I put myself through.

I finished…almost a sweater for my dear Justine blogging buddy’s new baby boy, only to have to pull the entire thing out (after having a terrible mis-read with the pattern) with a sting of expletives coming out of my mouth, only to be repeated by Henry in the grocery store the following day. I was proud though, my skin is getting thicker to the disapproving head shaking from the Sweater Set Moms, who pull out their antibacterial to clean their kids off after hearing Henrys rant. (Thank goodness it was before the in-laws came!)

AND I finished TWO (I know, I am like, Super Word Girl!) books. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society and Unwind. Very different, but both I could not put down and I avoided life for a few days to finish them…

So there is my quick catch up on the ins and outs of my oh so exciting life…because, I know how much people were worried…HA…

Here is to getting back on track, (and treadmill) the hiatus from the real and virtual world I live in must end! (I believe that this is the 3rd time I have claimed to come back from the dead...I think I may be a cat...)

A Lesson I Need To Learn

and soon...Watch what I say in front of the little man.

Henry is like a sponge of evil. He soaks up only the bad stuff. He never repeats the good things I say, or the productive things I do…I never hear him saying to Jamie, (or strangers in the line at the store, he isn't picky) "My mommy always says I love you little man" or the "Mommy cleaned the house today"… Oh NOOOOOOO it is always “Mommy said I was the devil.” Or “Mommy do you need more wine? You said you needed a big glass”

This seems to be a growing trend with him, and the thing is, it isn’t always things that happen all the time, nor are they things that have happened recently. Little elephant brain of my loins seems to remember every slip up I have had since the moment he came home from the hospital.

There is a gas station in town that over a YEAR ago, someone cut me off and I yelled “Stupid Jerk” (which I will say, was a rare moment of lucid thinking and restraint from yelling what I really wanted to say) and now every time we go to that same gas station, with out fail Henry peeps up from the back seat “Mommy, is the big jerk here?” How does he even remember that???

So today we are driving down the road and he says “When is the damn plumber going to come back and flood the freaking basement?”

“Uh…I am not sure Henry…maybe never?”

“Oh, I just didn’t know if you knew the damn plumber”

Silence ensues…
(I am just going to wait for him to apply to trade school to be a “damn plumber” for him to figure it out…)