Gargantuan Children

My poor gargantuan children, it is so sad when it comes time for back to school shopping. I have three kids, and while they were all born normal sized, with in a year, they had grown as though they were in a personal race toward 6’5”.

My oldest child who is 9 looks like she is an awkward 14, my 7 year old looks like a 10 year old that is in line with all the little kids waiting to beat them up to steal their snacks. And Henry, well at barely 3, they thought he was a kindergartener when I took him to the girls’ orientation the other night.

Everyone says that it is wonderful to have tall children…and it is on many levels, but let me tell you, when your 2 year old, acts like, well, a 2 year old does, parents look at you in disgust and distain as though you have a terrible 6 year old still wearing diapers and unable to complete a sentence…and trust me I have had nasty comments from those sweater set moms at the playground before.

But school shopping? That is just a whole other thing all together. My girls, since they left 6X behind when they were in preschool, have been unable to dress their age unless I darn my thread and needle for years. Instead I go to the stores only to find clothes that for all intensive purposes, look like perhaps Goldie the transvestite Stripper may have put them in the dryer a little too long. I look longingly at the 3T-6X clothes and just WISH MY KIDS COULD FIT IN THEM.

If I really wanted my children to grow up to be pole dancers and strippers, I probably would have chosen better names…(What is that rule? The street you grew up on and your dogs name…Garrison Shane….)

I found myself flipping through the racks of gold sequins, and shorts that are cut off so short that I am not sure her back would be covered much less her butt. I mean what exactly IS the purpose of pants that are low riders, AND only have ½” hem line? Certainly not to clothe someone. I was waiting to see an ad for the tight shirts that was “Buy 3 and redeem coupon for free implants.”

Then there is the 80’s fashion that is coming back…you know those big shirts and leggings…OH MY RAINBOW, LIKE WHAT EVERRRRRR. I feel like the store has been repossessed by the Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink. I mean, Gag me with a spoon. But I suppose it isn’t really the 80’s returns, it is more like the 80’s with a HO from the strip influence. Because I know I wasn’t let out of the house in materials that clung to my butt at 7 years old!

What is a mom to do? I picked the best I could, and sent my overgrown children to school hoping that no one would think that they were the teacher or held back for 10 years. It would be nice if making our kids look their age didn’t involve a platinum card, or a strange cult that wroships Laura Ingles. AHHHHHH the start of school, gotta love it.