Nits, Germs and Other Elementary Warfare

I am not sure exactly why we concentrate so much on the terrorists and nuclear weapons, when from my understanding it very well could just be a dirty elementary school and some rampant bugs that do us all in.

So my middle kid wakes up this morning and her eye was stuck shut. After the initial shock of not being able to pry her eye open with out ripping out all of her eyelashes, some calming words from mom ("Hold freaking still or this won't work"), a warm wash cloth, and a few "OH my gosh is that your EYE???" comments from her sensitive older sister, we assessed the situation and decided that the PINK EYE had invaded our child’s head.

Now I realize that most of you parents out there are saying. What is her problem... every kid has to experience their eye being cemented shut in order to truly pass into adulthood, and really it is not this one instance in particular...but rather the barrage of "notices" on bright red paper that seem to be being sent home in droves from the school lately.

First it was to warn people about getting the flu shot because our germ ridden offspring, who clearly have anxiety of antibacterial soap and washing their hands, touch everything and bring it home to infect the household.

Apparently now, we don’t just have flu like “yeah! I get to stay home from school and watch bad game shows on TV” like when I was a kid…it is now, “you are going to get a fever, your heart is going to expand and eventually blow up and your head will pop off, flu.” So if you are anything but a 25 year old, marathon running, tea totaller you are expected to get a flu shot or die.

Then came the next blaze Red form warning of the lice outbreak in school. You know that the one kid they found it on is mortified and everyone knows who he is. He is going to be graduating from high school and everyone in the audience is going to be whispering...

"Do you remember when he gave all our kids head lice???"

"Yes, I had to wash our entire house down in that horrible smelling shampoo and I still instinctively itch when I see him…see these hives????"

Then yesterday, yet another cherry red from the school, it warned of the EEE (Eastern Equine Encephalitis) they found in mosquitoes near the school. So now we have to either send our kids to school with a mosquito net over their heads or spray them down heavily with DEET so that they won't die…(if the DEET doesn't do the job first.)

So you may understand why, when my kid woke up this morning with her eye glued shut I was starting to have issues.

I am starting to come to the conclusion that it isn't global warming, nuclear holocaust, or terrorists that are going to do us in...it is all the crap that lives in elementary schools and on our dirty little "I don't NEED a bath" children that are going to get us.

Want to win a war? Just air transport in all our elementary school kids to the country of choice. They seem to be host pods for all sorts of nasty little diseases and infections…nit, mucus and germ the opposition into submission…just a thought…