Things That Make You Say....

AARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

So last night I had a meeting until 10:30. I worked two jobs yesterday, didn't eat dinner, and went straight to my meeting after job number 2... This is not to say "Oh poor Pie, pity, pity, pity," but rather to let you know my frame of mind when I dragged my oversized butt out of bed this morning to get my children off to school.

I am downstairs feeding the boy, because apparently I am obligated to do so as he lets me know every morning by demanding breakfast. (We have had many conversations about how starving because of rudeness is not a good option, but it seems to fall on deaf ears…He clearly understands the idol threat...)

So my cranky grumbling stumbling self is filling my coffee cup for the second time, and my lovely middle child comes down "ready" for school. I could tell she was sort of hiding herself a little, and I could hear a swishing sound when she walked. This was my warning…

As you may or may not recall, my middle daughter is, well, a little fashion challenged. I like to call it unique, which it is, and many days I am OK with her bag lady approach to dressing...but somehow this morning when I laid eyes on my pretty little girl with a pony tail directly in the center of her head falling into her eyes, a red, yellow and navy blue striped sweater, with a black watch plaid taffeta skirt with crinolines, multi colored tights and black shoes....something broke inside the "let her be her unique self" part of my brain.

A voice from the old crabby lady within came out of my mouth, saying: "NO, NO NO, Absolutely NOT, What in the world made you think THAT was OK????"

(Yes I know, it was harsh...that’s why I prefaced the story with the pity me party.)

I sent her up to change, she emerges from upstairs in her best nasty teenager interpretation...pouty lips, arms crossed...in....COMPLETE BLACK.

Black tights, black shoes, black skirt, black shirt, black headband.Granted this was better in some ways than the eye assaulting outfit of earlier in the day, but I was really hesitant about sending my angry child to school as an angsty mortician.

Silently I went up to her room retrieved a bright pink sweater, came downstairs and popped it over her head...we didn't say another word until the bus came...

"I love you, have a great day"

And I meant it...as much as I meant to go get another BIG cup of coffee!

Reasons for an Ant Infestation

So I come home from another School Board meeting last night (I know real shocker!) and there is a strange Lego formation on my counter. I really didn't even think twice about it...the kids were playing with Lego’s, they weren't put away...(another real shocker!)

This morning while I am getting my coffee, my middle mischievous child is getting into the wheat thins. I, of course being the kind hearted, helpful parent that I am say:

"Hey, Get your hand out of there, if you want breakfast, fix yourself a bowl of cereal."
(Yeah I know, I AM the world’s greatest mom aren't I?)

Caroline looks at me all indignant and says:
"Moooooom it’s not for me, it’s for my Ants."

I want to remind you all that I haven't had my coffee yet, and I am facing a day of fasting**, neither of which makes Pie a happy girl, or the sharpest tool in the shed for that matter.

After about 2 minutes of looking at the contraption, then at Caroline, and then at my floor where the Jeff’s Way Battalion of Ants are marching in through the doors to attack my kitchen, I start to flip out. Looking inside her ant house, I find ground up crackers, and yes, about 5 ants…she not only built them a house, but is feeding them.

Since we have started construction we have had a steady stream of Ant Armies attacking our house. We have battled them stealthily, but now I realize that we have had a child in our house aiding and abetting the enemy. I am not sure if there is a punishment for that kind of treason… I am still looking for one.

However, from the Ants perspective, they probably feel that they are in a prison camp as they are thrown into a small cell together and have large wheat thins hurled at their heads…They will die hero’s to their kind I guess, having gone to get food and never returned.

**Its just me, but if you are going to schedule a procedure where someone has to fast for 7 hours before hand, don’t you think you would schedule it in the morning? OH NO, my appointment is at 2, let me tell you what a raving lunatic, head spinning, nasty human being I am going to be by 2…(I know I am whining when there are lots of people that don’t eat for days at a time…I just get really, really, frighteningly crabby with out food)…Jamie is going to be armed with a big stick and a cage when he comes to pick me up for my appointment!

A Scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Picture it: The serenity of the garden, a beautiful blue sky, nice breeze, the sound of the birds in the woods as you attempt to fight blight. (My summer long battle)


and your 7 year old running toward you screaming with blood all over her face and dripping onto her shirt.


ahhhh the serenity of parenthood.


So just when I expect to see a masked man wielding a chainsaw come chasing behind her, she starts laughing...and I realize...oh wait, my child has not been mauled by a psychopath...her front tooth fell out.


I have yet to figure out why this particular child seems to bleed so profusely from the mouth every time a tooth leaves her body...some how it is like her teeth decide to end their lives in tragic and melodramatic way...they must be in the acting business...


Yup my child has graduated from snaggle tooth to toothless...


***I wrote this on 8/2, both when I still had TIME, and when there WERE blue skies in Maine... I forgot to publish it, so I am now, since I have insomnia and I have had time to proof read it...right MOM???????

An Apple A Day???

It has been basically torrential down pours here for a week. I believe that there were tornados that touched down in NH. Of course they aren’t calling them that yet…because clearly the pictures of trees pulled out of the ground and a light pole snapped off like a twig aren’t enough…perhaps they need to have the side of a house pulled off while the guy is reading the paper on the john in order to classify it…don’t know.

So yesterday my daughter…(the dreaded chemistry set, dreaded backpack one) got her raincoat out. I would say she hasn’t worn it since…oh, maybe April. (This is important you will see)

She puts it on, and I hear a shriek. “WHAT IS THAT???”

She has pulled her hand out of her pocket with a look of disgust on her face. I peer into her pocket slowly in fear. Folks…I couldn’t tell what it was. At first it looked like a giant rat curled up in her coat pocket. I was going through all the instances in our life that would allow a rat into our house…(yeah ok, you all have seen how dirty it is, never mind.)

Refusing to touch it myself, I said “well what did it feel like?” hoping not to hear “Furry” as a response.

“Slimy” was the response I got. Then I started to get a little hot under the collar…this is my kid, who just 2 weeks ago realized that she hadn’t unloaded her lunch box from the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! She is the one that when we clean out under her bed we are fairly sure that we are going to find immigrants waiting for citizenship. She is the one that seems to have a habit of “forgetting” to clean up after herself, and now, she was the one with a rotten apple, (yes apple) from April, in her coat pocket.

With the gag reflex being what it is my family, you can only imagine what the clean up was like…it was a whole lot of yelling, gagging, and then eventually giggling because really? And I think my mom will agree…it is SOOOOOOOO something I would have done.