So Sometimes I Have a Heart

But only sometimes...

You may remember my prizes from last mothers day. As bad as I can be, I did wear them with pride...and nice big sunglasses.

As we approach another dreaded mothers day, I am wondering what my gifts will be this year. Why am I wondering you ask? My middle daughter has taken a liking to ... um.. decorating my house in what can only be called, psycho modern craft art. Really, I am pretty sure that many a parent can say that this is a true genre of art. (At least in the galleries hiding in the back of our closets.)

I want to encourage my kids to be creative...I mean I think that is one of my jobs as a parent right? I think I signed that paper. So I would hate to squash their individuality or their creativity, or their...crazy ass art projects...

But, now I have this hanging in my bathroom where a pretty plant used to be...

Wait 'cause you can't appreciate its true unique beauty until you get the close up

So, now I am just asking how I can politely get this down before I forget that it is there????

oh, and dads, I don't want to hear another complaint about the damn ties....

uh yeah I did

Yup I just wasted an entire blogging time, writing about pirate talk and reading it...this is why I need the 12 steps....

ARRRRRRRG MATEYS

OK so this is just really funny. I know that some of you know that I am attending Face Book Anonymous. It has been really hard...but yes I have limited myself to just a few minutes a day, and the 12 steps are helping...

BUT today I read a post from a high school friend who, oddly enough, has the same quirky sense of humor that I do. (Yeah, I know, weird that there is more than one of us...come to think of it, I think that all my friends and I shared the same warped sense of humor...perhaps that is why there were no Dunkin Donut coffee filters safe in our presence... This is a long unfortunate story of the nerdness of my life that we used to scoff the D&D filters and wear them on our heads…)

At any rate, on Face Book (focus, Pie, FOCUS) she told me to scroll to the bottom of the page where is says English and press on it. A whole host of languages come up including one that says English (pirate).**

Yeah…it is true…it will change all your Face Book settings to Pirate jargon.

Now why my daughter and I sat and stared giggling for 30 minutes is a whole other issue, and most likely another 12 step program…but none the less it is very entertaining.

So you maytes go to the home port and read your bottle o’ messages, and may it be pleasin’ to the eye!

**I can tell you right now that my friend Jen is doing this as we speak…because she is my soul mate of nerdom and just wrong humor.

Apple Blossoms Coming

This isn't much of a post, but I am going to sit down with a glass of much deserved wine. I was planning on posting my scenes from the trellises...but that will have to wait until tomorrow...alas...I know, what am I doing with all my free time?


If I get motivated I may post after a bit, but I need to have me a little sit and sip down. (It could make for a more entertaining post after a glass of wine.) But since Henry tonight tried to take his diaper off to go Poop in the potty (yeah him) and ended up smearing it all over the bathroom and himself (trying to put his diaper back on)...which ended up with me hosing down the entire place, him and myself...uh, I am thinking a little red wine is OK.


So here is my favorite sign of spring...(on this flippin' 80 some odd degree day!) My apple trees are starting to burst...with buds that is! Ain't they purdy?



Happy Spring to you all, and to all a poopless night.

The Hand From Hell

So here is the deal...I have this allergy thing to Black Flies...yeah I know...I am a total wizard to choose Maine to live in...the very place that the Black Fly ties the Mosquito for the state bird.


Every April when I start getting the garden ready I get bit by one of those demonic blood suckers. I must be a sadist though because I still go out, and always forget to put on bug spray...(Its for wusses a lesson from my father) SO...here is the result this year...and mind you, this picture was taken on Day 2...after many healthy doses of Benedril and Advil.

Just for reference, this is the size of my normal hand...not pretty either, but...well...I am sure you see the difference.

I had to work at the library last night, and I tried hiding it, but it was not easy to hide a hand that was the size of a baseball glove while I was stamping their books. I had a few concerned looks from concerned patrons who were probably worried about the swine flu. They were a little tentative taking the books from me after my infected elephantitis hand touched them...but hey, I am sure they have antibacterial in their purses...they will be fine!

The Third Claim of Being "Back"

I have totally stunk at posting lately, I don't know what my problem is...I think I am having some brain issues...my husband is smirking, I can see him with my "back-of-head eyes" And he ought to be careful because I will smack him with my "front-of-body angry hand"!

It isn't that I haven't had things to blog about, oh you have to know that with Henry, and the girls, I have had no lack of material...

I have gone to my sons "circus" to find that lo and behold, the boy likes to take center stage, even if it means sneaking out during every "act" and waving, or shoving someone out of the way to get center stage. Let’s just say that I had tears streaming down my face by all the times that he got the hook! It was something similar to the Muppet Show and Gonzo. I was worried the other moms would be upset, but it seems that Henry has a nack for making people laugh...while I crawl under my seat...

He has started using the potty for something other than peeing and his personal recording studio...which is just OH SO exciting...but those of you who may have followed me for awhile, may know my hate-hate relationship with my sons bowels and underwear...

I have started my garden, getting in peas, lettuce, radishes, beets, onions, swiss chard, potatoes, carrots...and started indoors some other things. We will just see how it goes, as you may or may not know, I am the most pessimistic planter of all time. I plant seeds knowing that they will never grow or produce anything, and when they haven't sprouted in the 2 hours that I allotted for them I throw myself into a tizzy of despair...only to find that at the end of the summer I have a bounty that I have to can, freeze and eat until I am ready to explode...let me tell you, it is an exhausting process I put myself through.

I finished…almost a sweater for my dear Justine blogging buddy’s new baby boy, only to have to pull the entire thing out (after having a terrible mis-read with the pattern) with a sting of expletives coming out of my mouth, only to be repeated by Henry in the grocery store the following day. I was proud though, my skin is getting thicker to the disapproving head shaking from the Sweater Set Moms, who pull out their antibacterial to clean their kids off after hearing Henrys rant. (Thank goodness it was before the in-laws came!)

AND I finished TWO (I know, I am like, Super Word Girl!) books. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society and Unwind. Very different, but both I could not put down and I avoided life for a few days to finish them…

So there is my quick catch up on the ins and outs of my oh so exciting life…because, I know how much people were worried…HA…

Here is to getting back on track, (and treadmill) the hiatus from the real and virtual world I live in must end! (I believe that this is the 3rd time I have claimed to come back from the dead...I think I may be a cat...)

A Lesson I Need To Learn

and soon...Watch what I say in front of the little man.

Henry is like a sponge of evil. He soaks up only the bad stuff. He never repeats the good things I say, or the productive things I do…I never hear him saying to Jamie, (or strangers in the line at the store, he isn't picky) "My mommy always says I love you little man" or the "Mommy cleaned the house today"… Oh NOOOOOOO it is always “Mommy said I was the devil.” Or “Mommy do you need more wine? You said you needed a big glass”

This seems to be a growing trend with him, and the thing is, it isn’t always things that happen all the time, nor are they things that have happened recently. Little elephant brain of my loins seems to remember every slip up I have had since the moment he came home from the hospital.

There is a gas station in town that over a YEAR ago, someone cut me off and I yelled “Stupid Jerk” (which I will say, was a rare moment of lucid thinking and restraint from yelling what I really wanted to say) and now every time we go to that same gas station, with out fail Henry peeps up from the back seat “Mommy, is the big jerk here?” How does he even remember that???

So today we are driving down the road and he says “When is the damn plumber going to come back and flood the freaking basement?”

“Uh…I am not sure Henry…maybe never?”

“Oh, I just didn’t know if you knew the damn plumber”

Silence ensues…
(I am just going to wait for him to apply to trade school to be a “damn plumber” for him to figure it out…)

Easter

Here are the kids after church, Henry even had a big boy tie on. The girls insisted on the typical dresses for Easter...at least this year the snow was gone in fact, if you look really close you will see my Hiacynth blooming in the back ground... The woman in the picture is not me, although raising Henry is certainly aging me, that is my 94 year old Grandmother that I blog about periodically (you can look in the archives.)

As I posted this, I realized...how decievingly NORMAL my family looks! I guess since Jamie and I aren't in it!

This was during our egg hunt. The reason I have this one in here, look in the upper left hand side of the picture...I just loved the fact that the kids were all surrounding it, and failed to see the egg hanging on the rope from the bird feeder support....I named it "Masters of the Obvious" 8 kids at my house, and no one spotted that one for quite some time!

And this one, well, I just couldn't resist...henry, in his church clothes, found the one patch of dirt left post construction and proceeded to bathe in it....well, he looked nice in the beginning...its the thought that counts!

happy Easter!

Book Love

OK so I don't write about all the books that I read, mainly because I enjoy them...but I don't always devour them....

I finished The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society last night and....as a friend of mine says *le sigh* it was just great.

It was one of those books that I started rationing how many pages I would read at night because I wasn't really sure that I wanted it to end.

It is a book basically made up of letters back and forth between post WWII occupation Guernsey Island, and a writer and her editor. I loved all the characters, but mostly, I loved the main character Juliet...

I think mainly, I love reading books where the leading woman is strong and snarky, but not in a beat you over the head with an inner message, stereotypical "strong woman" way.

I have to be honest, I really get tired of needy, love sick women. I kinda want to slap them (I know I know, we have discussed my angry hand)

But really, I don't want to read about obedient, love sick, women all the time...that said, I also get tired of the Barracuda, independent, portrayed as a man, woman too....neither are realistic to me. I enjoy reading about women who are a little of everything, because ultimately, that is who we all are. A mixture of strength and weakness, intelligence and dumb-ass, sex appeal and comfortable shoes....

So hurrah! I like the story, hope you guys will too...anyone else read it?

Little Future Gardener!

So the other day it was a miserable day and I needed to get started on my seeds. I had Henry and he was wanting to help, which was more like, play in the soil and spread it all over the kitchen and since it is seed starter it is like dust when it is dry and I am pretty sure that I am still breathing, and sneezing it to this day. Nothing like a nice tall glass of water with a little film of plant starter on top to make your day!

I couldn't find my seed trays for the life of me. SO, I invented the "why do I still have old dusty ice trays from my first house 7 years ago from when we didn't have an icemaker, tray planters"

I just took a nail and poked the bottom and filled with soil and seeds! It is working fairly well...along side my "Oh my gosh why do we use so many rolls of toilet paper, roll planters" Which are equally as exciting as they hold a good bit of soil and I can just undo the bottom of them and then put them right in the ground!

Not to mention that I am finally getting over my "is it ever going to be spring" bad attitude, and have started amending my soil and am really excited to get my peas in the ground...that is, if Pinetree seeds will EVER SEND ME MY SEEDS THAT I ORDERED OVER A MONTH AGO!

Anyway, this would be my very first "scenes from the trellis" post for the spring! I look forward to many more!

And to all a good spring...

Long Lost Notes

Monday night while I was at work, I was looking on my I-touch to see what my crazy ass schedule had in mind for me for the rest of the week.

I always check under ‘notes’ because my kids are always leaving me messages, like: U RCK , or I <3 class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">weren't accusing me of being Rick, and that I was not less than 3 I thought it was precious too!

I am sure that at some point in my life I will wish I still had someone begging me for pizza and writing encrypted notes that I barely understand. In the mean time I ran across some Henry notes. Apparently I have started writing notes to myself about the silly things that he does, unremembered by me. I am not sure what that says about my mental stability, but I did laugh at them and thought I would share the first one with you.

Henry had been carrying a beanie baby crab around and we asked if he had named it.
He said “Yeah, of course. Its name is Lightbalm from Phillip”

We all laughed, and apparently I wrote it down in my notes because it seemed a very random Henry experience. I didn't realize until I read it back to myself that perhaps he just named his crab after a commercial for Phillips Light bulbs... hmmmm perhaps the TV is beginning to seep into his brain...The hour a day may need to be cut down!

Well that is all I can say for today…I am headed off for a meeting that Henry is going to have to sit through since his father is up north tonight…so I ought to have some more material by tomorrow, it is a school board meeting...Lord knows what kinds of creative budget ideas he will propose!

A Lesson In Patience

Someone recently asked me what living in Maine was like...my response?


"A lesson in patience..."


Here is my proof: I call it....

Gardening in Maine

I May be Exploding

I have heard about people just sort of instantaneously combusting...and I am wondering if I am gearing up to do just that. Like one day I will be hanging out in my garden minding my own business and then pop…up in flames, and burn down my whole pea crop!



Hey, it could happen...



I noticed about a couple of weeks ago that my heart in the past has decided to pretend that it is on a roller coaster. OK, so I get that this could be a tad unsettling, I have to be honest and say that I am not at all concerned about it. If you knew the schedule and the people I have been dealing with lately your heart would be on a Bungee Jump too

But alas, my husband has decided that I am going to pop off in the middle of the night so I had to call my Dr, and say:


“My husband is making me call because he thinks my heart is going to blow up.” The nurse just laughed, (At least my doctor’s nurse has a sense of humor.)


But now I have to go in tomorrow and give MORE BLOOD, which we all know how that turns out, and then get an EKG on Monday…yeah, I am not thrilled with him right now.

I have a better solution; I think that if they just gave me a Dr Excuse for exhausting people I would be fine.


Wouldn't that be great? Some idiot emails me, completely uninformed throwing accusations about ruined school systems, and idol threats of moving, and I don’t have to respond. I could just scan my Doctor’s note and email it to them.

“Pie has my permission to ignore the following: irrational, hateful, manipulative, passive aggressive or otherwise STUPID people. These types of people can in fact result in her exploding.”

I really think that this could be the answer. Then at School Board meetings when things get tense and nasty, I can just respond…

“I am sorry, I have a Doctors notice about that, and I cannot at this time respond to you. Perhaps my prescription won’t be renewed and you can address this with me in a month.”

I am going to ask on Monday!

Embarrassing Parental Moments

So you all know by now that I am regularly kept on my embarrassment toes by Henry my 3 year old son...So I am sharing this with you all because, someone has to laugh at my pain.

We went to my sisters the other night for my niece’s birthday. We had such a nice time…until it got strangely quiet upstairs…everyone knows that preschoolers and quiet are not things you want together.

It generally means that you will come upstairs to Vaseline in your shoes, scissors in hair, or perhaps, kids playing Doctor….

It was the latter of the three.

I went upstairs to find my little niece who is the same age as Henry with her pants down, and Henry looking at her butt…

I asked a little frantically what he thought he was doing…and he said quite flabbergasted that I even had to ask: “I just wanted to see what was in there”

I proceeded to let him know that anything that was “in there” was not something that he would want to see, and furthermore, we do not ask our cousins to take their clothes off…or any girl for that matter…especially when their dad is an ex-cop and has several big guns in his possession.

Let’s hope that this was a life lesson listened to and heeded.